A Letter to Men

Dear Men,

After reading Mr. Rhatican's letter, I realized that I am suffering from the same problem, but with straight men. You straight men tote your heterosexuality yet only eat, sleep, work out, and live and party with folks of the same-sex.

I get so confused, as I seldom see you soberly fraternizing with the opposite sex. I sense that I have more genuine relationships with women than you all! My confusion continues as I witness the phenomenon of male athletes slapping each other's fannies.

And what about using intoxication as an excuse for your beer-queer behaviors? It seems to me that while women drink as an excuse for promiscuity, males drink so they can excuse their homoerotic behaviors.

Your fashion choices drive me crazy: those loose-fitting sports pennies and gym shorts show off your chiseled chests, nipples and limp man-roots. Seeing the shape of your body just gets me going wild in D-hall, class and the library.

I just can't understand how you want to be respected as straight manly men yet showcase your bodies as if on a San Francisco street corner. How are you so afraid of being called gay like me -- or getting hit on by me -- when you do nothing to prevent attracting my attention?

I still cherish the quixotic straight man -- not the misogynistic man who only "wants to get a cock thrown in [skeezas]" at your "CEOs and Corporate Hoes" and "Predators and Prey" frat parties. You continue to say that you are chivalrous, yet how is this possible? You need to stop confusing me! A quarter of female college students will graduate as survivors of sexual assault. All these discombobulated performances arise from sexual confusion and frustration, as you remain unfilled, because you haven't found the embrace of a sodomite.

I would love to desire you straight men for your companionship and not because of your bodies. I want to desire you for you and not the mask of machismo. I understand that your disrespect toward women is deep-rooted frustration for your inability to engage the same-sex.

I will just have to invest in a chastity belt to control my cravings. Mr. Rhatican will hold the key to my chastity belt, as we both suffer the same affliction. Once you redeem my companionship, he will unlock me. You can cover up those nipples with a free t-shirt from Richmond College's "It Ends Now " campaign.

Thanks,

Jonathan Henry

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We already know that us faggots dress like gigolos tripping on Viagra

How many of you have helped a woman try on bras at Victoria's Secret?

Shouldn't that be reserved for the bedroom

Ancient Greece has nothing on Senior Toga Social

Here's looking at you Kappa Sig