Colombiana vs. Our Idiot Brother
Every movie you've ever seen exists in its own universe. "Star Wars," "Steel Magnolias," "Pirates of the Caribbean" - they all created a world in which they could reasonably function.
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Every movie you've ever seen exists in its own universe. "Star Wars," "Steel Magnolias," "Pirates of the Caribbean" - they all created a world in which they could reasonably function.
Tina Fey and Steve Carell are a boring married couple that, on a Mark Ruffalo fear-inspired whim, goes to a restaurant, steals someone's reservation and ends up being chased by crooked cops. Then there's a car chase that's pretty fantastic and a pole-dancing scene that made me laugh until I cried.
The evil runt twin of the movie "300" and "Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief" got together and made a baby named "Clash of the Titans." It is also an example of why Hollywood's sudden obsession with the quick, easy and cheap version of 3D will fail miserably if studios apply the method to every movie they shove out into theaters.
So here's the deal: I'm still a kid at heart. The rest of the University of Richmond student population could claim they wanted to grow up, be mature, yada-yada, and I would still say that I love cartoons, love these new CGI animated movies, and that I especially love "How to Train Your Dragon."
The guys who seem as if they've popped up in every Judd Apatow or similar comedy movie for the last five years have suddenly been cast in a movie about a hot tub time machine. In it, three broken, grown-up dudes and one nerdy teenager get transported back to the '80s by said time machine and have to change their crappy lives.
Jennifer Aniston: "Oh my God, can you believe, like, how intolerable he is?"
Life is meaningless. The world is a conglomerated mess where make-me-buy-what-I-don't-need-and-can't-afford advertising is inescapable - a doubly wrinkled brain that is too complex to be blissful - and people are basically bags of meat with sob stories. Oh, and metal parts are rent-to-buy, at the expense of your children's college funds. But, then again, everything's meaningless, right? That is, at least until you find out you're dying.
Ogden Marsh, Iowa, is a calm, idyllic farm town. The main street wanders off into the cornfields, barely reaching the quaint, burnable farmhouses that are too far away from each other to offer a sense of community in trying zombie times. In short, Ogden Marsh is two breaths from dropping dead and rising up again even before the zombies show up.
Sanity is circular. At some point, even those deemed insane can start to sound normal again and normal people can start to sound mad. That's what "Shutter Island" is like, and it spins that sanity wheel over and over like a hamster stuck in a cage.
Hollywood never shies away from rewriting a good idea, and who can blame it? The stories are already written, mostly, and the ones worth remaking are going to bring in enough cash to make the embarrassingly horrible ones worth it. Sometimes the gamble works -- as it did for Emma Thompson's "Sense and Sensibility" or the Batman movies featuring Christian Bale. But most of the time, remakes are so awkwardly bad that they are hilarious -- as is the case with "Spiderman 3" (you know it was terrible) or "Zathura," that movie about Jumanji in space.
Yes, "Legion" is another one of those apocalyptic fear trains that Hollywood seems to be running these days, especially in preparation for 2012. God is coming and he's ticked.
I went to two Christian middle schools, and had to go to church every single Wednesday. My visits to church included two hours of singing and listening to sermons and studying the back of the head of the person in front of me. "The Book of Eli" was like a slow version of church,
The Mayans predicted you would read this article and then a giant sun fart would engulf the Earth, now aligned with all the other planets, causing massive earthquakes that rip California from the West Coast and tsunamis that flood North America and Asia. The Mayans also predicted one man would be the focus of the sun's wrath and wherever he went - be it Los Angeles, Wyoming or China - devastation would immediately follow.
I mentioned the "Saw" franchise during my last critique, and as fate - and Halloween - would have it, another "Saw" movie came out last week. I waited until Saturday to see it because, well, there wasn't anything else worth watching. You couldn't drag me to the Michael Jackson thing and I definitely wasn't watching "Astro Boy" or "Cirque du Freak: the Vampire's Assistant." So that left "Saw." "Saw" on Halloween? Well, I guess it worked.
Director Uli Edel's 2008 film "The Baader Meinhof Complex" recounts the exploits of some of the most notorious anti-reactionaries of the Red Army Faction -- the prominent West German terrorist organization. It is an unrelenting, if not chaotic, depiction of an anarchic Germany and, moreover, the state of the world, during one of the most precarious decades -- roughly 1967-1977.
Do you remember the movie "Se7en" when the serial killer reveals his plan and it builds like the crescendo of an epic John Williams score? Remember how Kevin Spacey is kneeling in the desert, bound at the wrists, and he magically uncuffs himself and runs away into the distance because all of the detectives' guns suddenly jam? Of course you don't, because it didn't happen. The writers, crew, actors and even the extras of the film would have mutinied faster than you can blink, and the desert would have silently swallowed the director's grave whole. The mutiny was needed to save this movie too.
The zombie genre, a tradition that had been left for dead, has seen quite a revival during recent years. But these are not the same zombies movie-goers first witnessed in movies like George Romero's 1970 film, "Dawn of the Dead." Rather, the conventions of the genre have been parodied and re-invented during the past couple of years thanks to the 2004 camp classic, "Shaun of the Dead." This film was revolutionary because it gave us the notion of the running zombie. This was the watershed moment in the current revival, as many films have since reveled in the idea of giving their antagonists the instincts and dexterity of an African gazelle. "Shaun" was a movie that provided the requisite gore to elicit laughter as only the Brits can do. Gone were the dated politics and the heavy-handed critique of consumerist America, replaced instead with heavy doses of irony and humor. Some have even dared to call these newer flicks "postmodern," but I have ethical reservations with categorizing a zombie movie as such ...
As a film addict, I am almost never in the awkward position of having little or nothing to watch. I usually go to see two or three movies a week, just to take refuge in a darkened theater room filled with strangers.
"Jennifer's Body" is a dark comedic response to that unwarranted fan favorite, "Twilight." It may seem romantic to watch a film about sparkly vegetarian vampires who make girls commit suicide out of infatuation, even when the main characters are about as emotionally and intellectually thin as a smear of drool. But it's way cooler, and easier on the mind, to watch a hot chick eat boys in an 80s-horror-movie style. That is your cue, if you haven't already thrown this paper down in disgust, to stop reading if you're gushy for stilted pale teenagers trying hard not to eat each other.
"Our blind pursuit of technology only sped us quicker to our doom."