Living on a dream

I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. In a recent article published by "The Guardian" called "Top five regrets of the dying," this was cited as the most common regret of all, according to an Australian nurse who cared for patients during the last 12 weeks of their lives.

When I read this, I thought: Of course. Everyone wants to be "true" to themselves. But how am I supposed to know when I'm not? I know what I like and what I don't like. I know when I think something's funny or annoying, and I act accordingly. Being "myself," though, seems to be so much more than this. It's who I am, what I do with my life and the way I live it.

I know the feeling when I'm doing it wrong--that sense of discomfort--but how am I supposed to know when I'm doing it right? Is there some set mold for the person I'm supposed to be that I need to eventually fall into? This idea has always lingered in the back of my mind.

According to "Psychology Today," a publication and website that addresses psychological issues, we're all on an endless quest for authenticity: "Between 18 and 24 months of age, [human infants] become conscious of their own thoughts, feelings and sensations--thereby embarking on a quest that will consume much of their lives ... a lifelong search for the one 'true' self and for the feeling of behaving in accordance with that self that can be called authenticity."

At first, I thought this quest was just part of growing up. We're just college students trying to figure everything out. At the same time, though, I see adults all around me having midlife crises because they're living a life that's not what they wanted, that doesn't fit them. Even on their deathbeds, people are expressing deep regret for not having been true to themselves.

The more I examine the issue, the more I think the root of the problem is our insatiability. We're unhappy with who we were and what we did--but perhaps we wouldn't have been happy with any life we'd lived, no matter how we lived it.

As Tyler Durden from the film "Fight Club" said: "Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'll all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."

I see this mindset reflected in the faces of the people all around me. I'm guilty of it. The truth is, it's hard not to think this way. When you're looking at the immense carpet of life spread ahead of you as a 20-something-year-old in college, it's depressing not to believe that you'll do great things. If you're studying journalism, you don't aspire to sit in an office writing for a blog on motherhood your whole life. You aspire to be a top reporter for the New York Times or the editor of Vogue, and these desires never really dissipate--even when our lives are obviously not going in that direction.

Our specific aspirations may change over time, but the longing to be great, to have a better-than-average existence, remains eternally.

The problem is that our perception of "better-than-average" never fits with that which we've already achieved--no matter how beautifully our lives have unfolded. We continue to harbor an intense dissatisfaction, and often decide to blame it on society.

"I didn't achieve my goals because the confines of society pushed me to work in a cubicle," we think to ourselves. "I went to law school because my parents wanted me to," we complain. "And now I'm trapped in this banal existence with no escape in sight," we say.

I think this quest for "authenticity" is really just a quest for an ever-escaping sense of satisfaction, and saying you haven't been "true" to yourself is just an excuse for not having achieved what you wanted. Nobody ever wants to be what they are. They always want to be something else, something more.

Stop worrying whether you've achieved everything you wanted to. Stop worrying whether you've become the person you wanted to be, or whether you've been the most authentic version of yourself.

You're wasting precious seconds that you'll never get back. Just live. As Tyler Durden said, "This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time"