Humane Society to investigate treatment of Richmond students on Coach buses

[This piece is satirical and is not intended to be fact.]

The humane society of the U.S. has stated publicly that it will launch a nine-month investigation concerning the malnourishment and torture of University of Richmond students on Coach buses.

The investigation will look at all bus trips taken by students to other campuses, most notably the bus traveling to and from Duke University on Sept. 3, 2011 for Richmond's first football game.

The bus reportedly left for Duke at 2:30 p.m., arrived at the stadium before kickoff at 7 p.m., and then returned students to Richmond at 1:30 a.m. But what happened in between is what is being investigated.

"Imagine Bad Newz Kennels, but with people instead of dogs," said humane society president Wayne Pacelle. "It's that bad."

The students on that bus could only whimper their story of what happened before bursting into tears from remembering the tragic event.

"Oh my god, I was like so hungry," first-year Jessica Palmer said. "I had an early lunch, but we couldn't get to the stadium until 7p.m.

"We only had the chocolate teddy grahams that my friend brought. Luckily she had enough for the two of us."

Palmer was one of the fortunate ones, as her bus remained intact for the entire trip. Members on the third bus, however, were not as lucky. Their bus broke down, not once, but multiple times during the trip. It got so bad that the bus was forced to squeeze its passengers onto the other two busses.

"We were treated like animals," first-year Tori Petrulla said.

"They threw us all together like a child throws his toys into a box. They forced us to squeeze an extra person onto cushioned seats that typically only seat two people."

And still, the worst was yet to come.

As the bus pulled into Duke University, there was no immediate lot that had enough spaces for three buses. After almost 20 minutes of driving around the campus, the bus driver let the students off the bus and into the stadium.

"Yeah I had a little trouble finding the assigned parking lot for us," Rudy the bus driver cackled.

"I just wanted the students to get into the game on time, so I let them off near the stadium while I could drive off and find the parking spot. The students made it into the game though, which is most important," he maniacally screamed.

The humane society's investigation will look at and interview all parties involved, including the students, the dean, the president, the concession boy and the kicker.

"We want to make sure we have all angles and all points of view covered. We're not letting anything slip by us," Pacelle said.

"We could be looking at multiple felonies here: neglect, malnourishment, torture, arson, sexual abuse, distribution of child pornography, tax evasion, whatever fits the crime. But we'll leave all that to the law-doers and gavel-smashers."

"We want to get this right. We want to bring the perpetrators to justice and give the innocent the joy of seeing other people get punished. That's the goal."

While the Humane Society looks into the details, the students at Richmond try and stay positive in the aftermath of the disaster.

"It's been a tough few days since the 'incident' but we've been getting better every day," first-year Joe Walsh said.

"We're re-accustoming ourselves to normal life. It's like when people leave prison after a 70-year sentence. Sometimes you're confused about what comes next. The scar of the seat belt pressed against my hip still remains, but I will never forget the grotesque and incomprehensible acts against us that occurred that day... But in any case, who the hell took my Teddy Grahams? I left them right on the bus seat, and they're gone the next minute. I mean c'mon, I can understand the bus being late and people having to squeeze in three per row, but who the hell steals Teddy Grahams"