The spooning spectrum: Not for every body

So if I were to ask you whether you wanted to try the inverse-reverse with me, what would you think? Stop pretending for a minute that your mind isn't wandering to some sort of crazy sex position that involves a month-long membership to a yoga studio before attempting ... now get your mind out of the gutter thinking about flexible chicks in tight black yoga pants doing downward dogs long enough to hear me out about cuddling.

Yes, cuddling. Right, I know, pretty anticlimactic after the downward dogging, but I was informed this morning by our new opinion editor that the "inverse-reverse" is actually a cuddling position, and naturally, since cuddling can lead to some awkwardness, I felt the need to take the topic and run with it.

Cuddling to me seems like a very polarizing activity. Some people love nothing more than big spoon, little spooning up after a make out sesh and lying there like sloths in each other's arms for hours while your neck slowly but certainly starts to krink up to the point where you think you may never turn your head again if you're little spoon and your arm starts to go numb until your fingers are tingling so badly that you can't focus on anything besides the fact that it feels like a midget is standing on the bed pricking your hand over and over again with a porcupine if you're big spoon.

Yes, he probably isn't lying there thinking that your hair smells like fresh flowers and cherishing every single moment that he gets to hold you talking about feelings. He is probably wondering if it is too soon for him to get up, get some food and watch sports with his man friends without seeming like a total d-bag.

OK, so maybe you can tell at this point where I stand on the issue of spooning. Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem at all with affection or intimacy. If any of you know me you're probably sick of me forcing you to hug me seven times a day and giving you reassuring arm touches every .25 seconds while trying to simultaneously kiss your cheek and slap your butt.

Chelsea, I know this particularly bothers you and here is my public apology for all those times I tried to jump in your bed and spoon with you. I am sorry from the bottom of my gooey broken heart. To be honest, I just don't like spooning for extended periods of time with members of the opposite sex. If I'm cuddling with my girlfriends, that's a totally different thing. When I'm lying around with Allie and Lauren I can wear my gross sweats, stick my stomach out, use their boobs as pillows, eat chocolate Easter eggs, let my eyeliner smudge up and not worry at all about them thinking I'm not cute or perfectly shaped to be their little spoon. But boys are not my piece of cuddling cake.

First off, I have to find someone big enough to spoon with me. Maybe you like being big spoon, or maybe a boy is feeling particularly needy and the situation might call for you to man up and be his big spoon every once in a while, or maybe you just wanna keep 'em guessing when it comes to cuddling. If a rando asked me to be his big spoon off the bat I would run for the hills, and probably mention him in an article under some not-so-flattering light (kind of like the ones in our rooms that really show off my double chin). So for now, I would like to keep my little spoon status (subject to change if I ever had a boyfriend ... shocker I'm making yet another joke about my relationship status?).

Lord knows that when I'm 40 I'll probably be spooning with Jane Austen novels, with my 12 cats running around and my cupboard full of exotic caffeine-free teas. I wonder if my articles would even be funny if I wasn't a bitter old hag trapped in a 20-year-old's body with short stubby legs?

Ok so here are my biggest issues with spooning.

1. I don't know why, but spooning makes me really sweaty. Really, how uncomfortable is it when you are literally burning up and someone is throwing his limbs all over you. I'm not about to sprawl out all over your chest when I feel like I have a temperature of 103 degrees and if you're trying to be my big spoon I'm probably shouting in my head, "GET OFF, I'm SWEATING BULLETS!" (if that's not a total mood-killer, I don't know what is).

2. You have your legs and I have mine. They do not need to co-exist as one big mermaid-like protrusion. I probably forgot to shave since my head was chock-full of political thoughts (jokes, I was probably just too lazy). So now I'm self-conscious about my stubbly appendages and you want to romantically rub your unmanicured big toe all over me? I'll politely pass on that one.

3. What about actually sleeping? I understand that occasionally you find the right person and your bodies fit perfectly together in the microscopic beds we have and you can actually get a good night's sleep, but I've never met that person, so if you want to cuddle, that's great, 10 minutes tops and then I'm rolling over and attempting to sleep. And this does not mean that I secretly want you to keep your arm under me the whole night in an attempt to show me that you can be a sensitive, in-tune-with-your-emotions kind of guy because then I'll just be spending the whole night trying to keep my body weight off of your arm so that it won't need to get amputated in the morning as a result of poor blood flow.

4. And how do you handle bad morning breath? I'm tired of secretly having to wake up and brush my teeth and pretend that I have magically minty breath 24/7. I'm not trying to have some romantic morning-breath kiss. I'm trying to get up, get my life together and get you out of my apartment. I don't understand morning lingerers. My hair probably looks like a rat had a seizure in it, my makeup looks like something straight out of a Ke$ha video on crack and I'm sure we already whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears, so unless you want to get food and actually consider caring about me, please leave! Breakfast or bye, K thanks!!!!