Boobs: Girl's best friends or worst enemies?

Let's talk ta-tas. Yes, its about time we went there, loyal readers. Let's talk about boobs.

I'll go ahead and admit that I don't have particularly great boobs. They don't really stick out (pun intended), but they aren't completely ignorable, so I have to deal with them in all of their mediocrity.

In dealing with my tots throughout the years, I have discovered that boobs are like chameleons. They transform themselves to fit their environments.

They can just be casually chillin' in your average comfy bra when you are sitting on the couch talking about the boy who didn't text you back, when BAM, the next thing you know, you've strapped them into that push-up bra and like magic, your average Bs just went to luscious Cs.

Then when you go to the gym the next morning those Cs can be squished all the way back to A status with your sports bra.

Literally, boobs are shape shifters, and the amount of money, time and frustration that goes into picking out the appropriate boob hardware for the many different circumstances your puppies will encounter is absurd. (Yet that doesn't stop me from getting frisked at Victoria's Secret as the sales lady measures me to pick the best bra to keep the girls down ... but up far enough to get some attention).

Lets start with the push-up bra. It is simultaneously the best and worst thing that happened to humankind. Now, not everyone has to fall back on layers of padding to get phenomenal tots.

For example, my roommate doesn't have to turn to overpriced Victoria's Secret merchandise to get jaw-droppingly great boobies; I'm pretty sure she just came out of the womb with gravity-defying tatas.

Your boobs will never look perkier, bouncier, bigger or generally more amazing than when you strap them into a good ol' Victoria's Secret Bombshell bra, bend over and shake them out of the top, and then pull your shirt down far enough to show off your $53 cleavage.

However, pushed-up boobs do create an element of nostalgia as you look back at your Friday night pics where you're flaunting your great tots and realize that your boobs can't look that great all the time or without the help of some additional cushion for the pushin' (up).

Just like you should never judge a book by its cover, you should never judge a girl's boobs by their Friday night appearance. What you see isn't always exactly what you get.

Lord knows that if everyone expected to see my weekend party boobs Monday through Thursday, they would be sorely disappointed.

A close runner-up for best and worst chest accessory: the Nu Bra, or as I prefer to call it, sticky boobs! How disturbing, right?

A bra that literally sticks to your boobs. You know how bad it hurts to rip a Band-Aid off your leg? Imagine that but significantly worse, and covering significantly more surface area.

That is the kind of stuff girls do to wear cute tops. While uncomfortable to take off, sticky boobs are a must-have for any girl's arsenal if she likes to show any amount of back while eliminating back fat rolls and the infamous bra strap that always seems to pop out when you're rocking a strapless (Yes, the strapless will get its very own paragraph, but for right now it's just making a celebrity appearance in the sticky boobs' limelight).

And let's not mention the awkwardness that undoubtedly occurs when you wear your sticky boobs out to the lodges, grind up on people, get sweaty and your sticky boobs start to come off.

What in the world can you do with sticky boobs that no longer stick? It's not like you can fold them up all nice and tidy and stick them in your Vera Bradley SpiderCard holder, so what are you supposed to do with them?

I'm sure that at least one lodge has found a pair of sticky boobs on its floor during the morning clean-up.

If not, I'm sure it'll happen eventually. You can only get so many wears out of those babies before they start to cause some embarrassing malfunctions. I wonder if you can buy a groping warranty for them?

Lastly, let's bring up an old classic: the average strapless. Strapless bras, in my opinion, are the worst offenders in the bra world, despite the fact that they are undoubtedly one of the most important pieces in any girl's lingerie drawer.

I have found that it is literally impossible to find a good strapless bra that actually stays up and doesn't make your boobs look absolutely terrible. Is it too much to ask for a bra that will push up my boobs just a little bit and not fall down with every step that I take?

I feel like you get saggy boob syndrome if you go for a strapless with no padding, but if you try to get one with a bit of cushion to push those puppies up, you get the worst uniboob. I don't know which one is worse, two saggy boobs or a uniboob? The horror, the horror.

So I guess it comes down to the fact that boobs stink and rock. Dealing with them is such a hassle, pushing them up is absurdly expensive and once you get them to defy gravity, you can't help but act offended when boys can't actually focus on your face since they are too busy getting lost in your cleavage (even if you're secretly pleased that this is occurring. I mean, that was the point, right?).

Whether you are a double A or a triple D, or whether you like to show them off or prefer to keep them to yourself, boobs will be boobs.

Like everything, they have their ups and downs, literally and figuratively. So what can you do? Either strap 'em in or let them run wild, but they are in it for the long haul, so make sure they are ready for the rollercoaster ride we call life.