Are you easily offended?

It always seems that my best writing occurs after two in the morning. I'm not sure why. Maybe a science major could explain it to me. But I've been meaning to write to The Collegian for the last three and a half years and never got around to it. Now seems as good a time as any, before all the other seniors start getting nostalgic and hogging the space in April.

I was debating with myself for a while over what I should write. I started out wanting to be all serious, but then I remembered a quote from a wise man that involved kicking dead whales down a beach and decided it was pointless. On the other hand, gushing happy isn't really my thing either. Deciding, therefore, that Buddha knows best, I took the middle path and made a snarky list of all the things I've always wanted to say but never bothered to. I don't care if you agree with my assessments, but I am willing to explain (with lots of profanity, usually) any of these points in greater detail if you ask me to.

So, negatives:

Stop getting offended at everything.

Stop wearing salmon pink pants. They look gay. The whole fratty look in general does, honestly.

Stop leaping to the conclusion that just because I occasionally use the word gay as an insult I'm homophobic -- sometimes the term fits the point I'm trying to convey. Deal with it, and maybe try watching some South Park for context.

Stop trying to guilt me into signing the White Ribbon Pledge -- it's a pointless self-congratulatory circle-jerk that does nothing but make some of us feel good about how "progressive" we are.

Stop being so relentlessly politically correct. Some of the best jokes are the off-color ones and people need to laugh more anyway.

Stop taking forever to load up your plate in D-Hall when there's a line of people waiting behind you. When it takes you more than 30 seconds to decide what you want, get it and leave; I want to smack the back of your head.

Stop asking me to donate to the school. The only way you're getting any more of my money is if you have the Bias Response Team fight to the death with sticks in the Greek Theater for my amusement. I'd pay to watch that.

And now positives:

Laugh more and schedule plenty of time for stupid fun. Blank spaces in your day planner are more important than you think.

Don't worry about what other people think because most of them are dumbasses who care too much about what other people think.

Climb more trees.

Keep writing weird stuff in chalk everywhere. It's awesome.

Don't take yourself so seriously because your life really isn't that serious. Admit it.

Spontaneity needs to be encouraged more, and we've done a piss-poor job of that so far. Things like wearing crazy hats to a class every day for six weeks, dressing up (minus shirts) to read out the Japanese Imperial Rescript on Education in front of a professor's office window or having thoughtful literary discussions in the middle of a run with other runners. All of which I have done and which I am disappointed that no one has seemingly been inspired by.

Don't ask, "Why is he doing that?" Instead, try asking yourself why you aren't joining in since it looks like fun.

I've enjoyed my four years here at Richmond. I realize I have a lot of pet peeves and that this letter's mostly been an excuse for me to bitch about things, but ultimately I'm hoping that people who read this walk away with something to think about and maybe make a change for the better. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, life can be so much fun if you just take the stick out of your ass once in a while.

Special thanks to the friends who got me through my time here, especially Eric "Catfish McGraw" Switick, Dave "Eight Eggs" Hernandez, Zhivko "I'm from Bulgaria" Illeieff, "Naked Phil" Opsasnick, Phil "Rage Cage" Page, Dominique "Ze German" Simon, Jan "The Magician" van den Bos, Kristen "Granola Quotient" Harrison, Caleb "No Nickname" Routhier, Prayas "Nepalese Candy" Neupane, Ryan "REK" Erickson-Kulas, Chris "I Hate Cops But I'm Gonna Be One Someday" Eyler, Mike "Lady Boy" Olson, Rachel "Grr!" Starry, Charles "Chunktapuss" Mike III, Joe "Willie" Nelson, Emil "Kant Wills It!" Mentz, Tyler "Foxy Lady" Fox, Daniel "Ocho" Ochoterena Laposse, Charlie "Cheap Ass" Shen, "Game" Panichsombat, Tenzin "Fatty" Tsayang, "Sir Long" Trinh, and John "Buck" Sawyer. Best of luck, guys.

And Gyra: Never refer to boobs as "tots" ever again. Ever. You have no idea how hideously unattractive that makes them sound to male ears. Boobs don't deserve that.