Manslations and chick-chatting: Understanding the opposite sex

If you made a resolution this year to start dating someone so your grandfather would stop whispering at family gatherings that you don't have much longer to settle down before your mid-section starts to resemble a sack of potatoes, fear no more.

Understanding the culture of dating and communicating with the opposite sex can be as challenging as remembering to wear a bra. (Or is that just me?)

I've drawn a list of commonly miscommunicated phrases and their actual translations from my vast relationship experience (success rate = zero percent).

It's not you, it's me.

Well, it's not you, per se ... it's just your face. And your personality. And the way you breathe. And everything else about you that makes you you.

I love you...

...but I love me more.

I'm too busy to get involved in a relationship.

I wonder if I should make Easy Mac before I play Halo or play Halo before I make Easy Mac.

I want your feedback.

I want you to say nothing critical and then ask me how someone could be so smart and have such huge biceps at the same time.

We have to talk.

I have to scold you for everything you did wrong during the past three months that I said you could do but you should have been able to read my mind and know that I didn't really want you to do.

No, that outfit doesn't make you look fat.

The 26 pounds that you've gained in beer and processed food since you joined a fraternity makes you look fat.

I hate drama.

So don't tell her what I just told you because she told me not to tell anyone. I can't wait to update my status to a cute lyric.

How was your night?

What did you do, who did you see, where did you go, were you thinking about me? Why didn't you call me to say goodnight? What are you thinking? What are you thinking about how you're feeling?

I don't want to ruin our friendship.

I want to abuse your friendship so I can keep hooking up with your friends.

I have a boyfriend.

He's 6-foot-3, handsome, charming and works as a fictional reference when I'm not interested in men who are hitting on me.

Can we keep the lights off?

If it's dark I don't actually have to look at you.

I'm single.

I'm single-handedly the worst boyfriend ever.

You have beautiful eyes.

Boobs. You have beautiful boobs.

I'm going to play poker with the guys.

I'm going to get myself stupid drunk and lose a lot of money and I won't be able to take you out to dinner for the next month.

The key to a relationship is honesty.

Good thing I can fake that.