Gender roles and rituals of "traditional" dating

My most recent article described me defending my male friend in what was realistically (if not understatedly) a physical assault on campus. Despite the truly horrific nature of the event, it brought something very interesting to my attention.

This was my (along with others') reference to the event in the following terms: I acted as my friend's "boyfriend."

Thinking back on my past relationship, I made identical references on a frequent basis. In cases where my (now ex-) boyfriend would be under attack by one of his male friends -- humorously or otherwise -- and I would spit back or jump into action in his defense as the case may have been, I would get frustrated with his incapacity to do the same and say things like: "Stand up for yourself! I'm sick of having to be your boyfriend all the time."

If he laid his head on my shoulder as was his tendency, his friends and I would all laugh at how he was "so my girlfriend." When I would have to get off the phone before he did in our various attempts at upholding a long-distance relationship for the first couple of college years, I would say, "Stop being such a girlfriend!" and we would both laugh.

It has occurred to me why it was funny, and I don't think we were laughing at ourselves quite as much as we thought we were.

We have very deeply ingrained ideas of what a "boyfriend" and a "girlfriend" should be. The "boyfriend" is a defender -- it is his job to maintain his own attractiveness by playing the defender, by sticking up for himself and others and by standing strong and upright in the face of adversity (and even physically, while sitting on a couch).

A "girlfriend" plays the emotional partner -- she gets almost irritatingly attached, she seeks to watch over her counterpart, she cries and demands and cries again.

The "boyfriend" gallantly deals with this, shedding no tears and staying on the phone with her as long as she needs. He can't ask anything of her; she must consistently ask for his aid in even the most trivial of things.

It's funny because it's so far from reality, yet we buy into these myths and call their bluffs time and again. I'm no romantic relationship expert, as I've been in only one for any significant amount of time.

Yet so far as I can see, the closer you become with your romantic partner, the more mingled and inseparable your roles in the relationship become.

If they didn't, the relationship wouldn't be healthy or enjoyable for either participant; on the contrary, each of you would feel constant sacrifice as you cut off one side of your personality from expression.

As if each of you cut off one of your hands to use the remaining hand of the other person in its place, anger would doubtlessly fester and tensions would build as you would feel this sacrifice taking its toll, and look to the other to blame for his or her inability to make up the difference for what you've lost.

I don't think this is necessarily a relationship problem worth looking into, because while I'm sure this does happen, I don't think it happens often.

I think the real humor is in our continuous belief in something we are far too knowledgeable to accept as fact. Our "ideal" courting process hasn't changed much since the 1900s, in theory -- boys are expected to hold doors, pay tabs and drive cars for girls who must be beautiful, grateful and relieved in response.

The mutual pressure on both parties is nothing more than a test of an attraction that may or may not prove fruitful when it comes down to the real stuff. It's just a game we play for kicks while we make a decision.

My mother, despite quite valiant efforts to the contrary, was born and raised under a traditional mindset and traditional she has ultimately remained. She points out the value of role rituals, where boys and girls can follow a procedural attraction and judge how well they and their partners are doing along the way.

I see her point, but I disagree -- I think step-by-step procedures bring failed results in the abstract realm because measurements are oversimplified and conclusions even more so. Love is not a science.

And with that, I suggest we review our "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" images for mutual benefit. In a relationship, no one has jobs or duties -- may courting be the same. Relating to each other as people straight off-the-bat will bring in a working dynamic, and will bring the right people together.

Upholding standards that we ourselves do not want to uphold is principled and futile, and ties us down to impossible ideals that result in perpetual disappointment while restricting us from doing -- and getting -- only the best.