Escaping tickets never seemed so impossible

School is now in session. To those of you who are arriving fresh from states in the North and further South, the city (and outskirts) of Richmond may seem the same as it always does. To those of us who have survived the summer heat, the school year has certainly made its mark in many noticeable ways. Parking lots are fuller, grocery stores are fuller, facilities are open later and most importantly: The Henrico police have retaken their positions at strategically located checkpoints across town.

This was not the case during the summer months. I know this because if it had been, I would certainly be in jail by now. I drive recklessly down every residential drive, I fasten my seatbelt behind me, I refer to stop signs and lights as "stoptionals," I U-turn the second I miss a turn and — yes, students of Richmond, I'm sorry and ashamed and whole-heartedly advise you not to try this yourselves, but — I have had my fair share of alcoholic drinks before getting behind the wheel.

Surely this is bad behavior, and I should not be getting away with it. While frustrating for us crazies, it is doubtlessly a good thing that we should feel a greater sense of restraint on the road. I support that message.

Nonetheless, there are just too many cops around right now. In theory, I support their cause, but in practice — well, I can only pay for so many tickets. With one summons for reckless driving and one ticket for failure to wear a seatbelt currently in tow, I really need to learn a survival skill that I have thus far failed to master: the art of talking one's way out of a ticket.

I am phenomenally bad at talking my way out of any ticket with any cop. In fact, I have a 0 percent success rate — I've been pulled over five times now, in three different states, and I have received either a ticket or a court summons every single time. I've thought about reasons for this, and all I can come up with is the fact that I simply tell the truth. Those who know me may find this surprising — I promise, it's not because I get argumentative and bitter.

My issue is that I have reasoned away every classic used on cops to being plagued by complete futility. To me, none of them seem close to being even slightly persuasive. Regardless of my assertion, however, I hear about people getting out of tickets all the time, and they're definitely not doing what I do. I stupidly always figure that telling the truth will win a cop over, because surely he'll understand in some way, while furthermore appreciating my honesty — a completely false assumption.

What's really the best way to get out of a ticket? I can see how crying may soften a man's heart, but I'm sure most policemen's vital organs have been hardened throughout years (realistically, even just days) of seeing these melodramatic displays. Come on, we all know the drill, after all. Crying is THE fallback plan for most women in trouble on the road, and if I were a cop, I'd say it was time for a bit more ingenuity. Even if the groveling DOES build my ego.

Which brings me to the next tactic I've heard of — lying. The cop that recently pulled me over for reckless driving followed the accusation with an inquiry: "Why you in such a rush, anyway?" This would have been my chance. I could have said that my sister was violently puking in a house down the road, and I was visiting to help her, which is why I needed to rush to CVS and pick up medicine. I could have said that my boyfriend threatened to kill our dog if I wasn't home in five minutes (hey, that one actually seems pretty good!). I could go ye old feminine route and say my period was, in fact, leaking onto my seat even as Mr. Cop and I were speaking.

I have two problems with trying to pull this tactic off. The first is that I simply cannot think of any viable lie on immediate cue — do people write down a list that they keep in their glove compartment and study periodically? The second is that I, like most people, am a very bad liar — but when it comes to cops, don't even good liars get caught? Aren't most cops trained in interrogation? This seems like a big risk to take.

The third tactic I've heard of is flirting. When it comes to this one, I personally am doomed — I could write a separate article on the difficulties associated with the art. Myself aside, though, this still seems like it could be taken almost offensively by a cop. No one is sexually or romantically interested in the jerk that just pulled them over — hey, even if he were my BOYFRIEND I think I'd have to call it quits, just for that. The cop is that much less oblivious if he's blatantly unattractive — he's never been flirted with at bars, he's never attracted attention on subways or in line at the Wawa. He knows his only appeal is his ability not to give a ticket, and he doesn't want to look so desperate that the plan works. If he's happily married, even worse — now you're a reckless driver AND a slut.

Of course, he might alternatively take you up on the implied sexual offer — I'd prefer the ticket to that possibility.

Lastly, I know some people know cops and drop a name or flash some little card when they are about to get in any kind of trouble. The only cop I know is the father of the children I babysit for on a regular basis — he cannot know my driving habits. Case closed. Plus, I do feel like this tactic barely counts as such because of its exclusivity.

What other options are there? I simply cannot think of any. I need to know how other people are getting out of tickets before I have to drop out of school for financial reasons. I'm about a ticket away from bankruptcy, here. My mastery of the skill is of rapidly increasing urgency — until it is complete, I have no choice but to actually follow the rules of the road.