The birds and the bees: How to treat your gypsy

"How should you treat your Gypsy?" - Me

"I don't even know." - The Gypsy King

The Gypsy King commissioned this article as a statement to the Birds and the Bees that there is certain etiquette that is not necessarily a well-known option in the relationship types. In this way I am acting as an anthropologist in study of the Gypsy way of interacting.

First, let's sync up our definitions. According to Wikipedia, English law provides us a definition that will fit our schemas and my observations: "Under the Caravan Sites and Control of Development Act of 1960, Gypsies are defined as 'persons of nomadic habit of life, whatever their race or origin.'" I will only be discussing the treatment of Gypsy women because, to be plain, it is more accessible for me to understand the differences between the treatment of Gypsy women and Richmond girls.

Richmond girls are well known to us, no pun intended, but the Gypsy woman is nothing like a Richmond girl. I say Richmond girl in the stereotypical and prototypical sense. I apologize if you fit the description. To be sure, we know what we are comparing the Gypsy woman to let's have a description of the prototype.

The Richmond girl is an odd breed even in the abundance on campus. She resides in marshes of spilled beer and densely crowded areas, foggy with small talk and fake smiles. During the weekdays she is graceful and well-kept, but after sunset, her grace dims with the sunlight and her beauty is highlighted ... for the beginning of the night at the very least. I do love Richmond girls, don't get me wrong. The best part about them is that very few are as stereotypical as my description.

The Gypsy woman is not a Richmond girl. Marked by aloofness and directness, the Gypsy woman stands out in the Richmond crowd. Her beauty shines as a wonderful blemish in the Richmond herd.

The Gypsy is often adorned in bright colors (rarely pastel) that flow about her. The flow is not just due to the wind. Pardon the possible accusations of witchcraft, but there is something mystical about this flowing such that "flow" is the only accurate word.

Unlike the Richmond girl, the grace of a Gypsy is less symmetrical and rarely fades in the night. This is probably due to a diet that is directed by the awareness of the effects of alcohol consumption. It is still unclear if this is caused by a higher understanding of her personal tolerance by the Gypsy woman or a genetic predisposition to endure long weekend nights.

I doubt it's the latter since Gypsy women are of many races and nationalities and do not share one consistent genetic pattern. Opposite the optimal habitat of the Richmond girl, the Gypsy woman thrives in relaxed environments with little to no small talk filling the air.

This, finally, brings me to my point: the treatment of a Gypsy woman. How must you treat your Gypsy? I suppose the answer varies with your intentions with the Gypsy in question.

There are a plethora of ways in which to engage in a relationship and these ways are applicable to the Gypsy woman as well as the Richmond girl, but examples like the power dynamics that the Birds and the Bees outlined last semester are a worse fit for the Gypsy woman.

This article, I hope, will outline a style of treatment that will please your Gypsy.

1. You must keep your Gypsy fed. Not just her tummy, her mind must be fed. Conversation is essential in the proper diet of a Gypsy woman. There is a deep spirituality that must also be fed in the Gypsy woman.

Ritual consumption of mind-and-body influencing medicines is an expected part of Gypsy relationships. The nature of the medicine mixtures seems to differ between each Gypsy woman and does not always correlate with the consumptive choices of the male counterpart. These medicines are best served on a mirrored platter.

2. Time is a special commodity. This is true in the proper treatment of the Richmond girl, but there is a special finesse behind proper time allocation with the Gypsy woman.

One must be very sensitive to the needs of his Gypsy. Given her aloofness, your Gypsy will require less than every second of every day. Yes, that is a comment on the Richmond girl.

Time is necessary in a variety of ways. Much of your time spent with your Gypsy will be "chillin" time (also pronounced "chillum" time in some dialects) during which you and your Gypsy will be doing things that friends do.

This time is often spent on comfortable couches having light discussion, and listening to soothing music with a heavy bass. This time is not wholly distinct from "hangin out", but it often lacks the ceremonial buffet (also served on the aforementioned platter).

3. Be kind to her. Unlike larger Richmond society, the Gypsy responds better to positive treatment and a continuous environment of respect. This does not exclude wit, sarcasm and jokes directed her way.

The Gypsy woman actually gets it. That snide remark you lob at her during the party won't fly over her head as she giggles away your humor into oblivion. Understanding intelligence is individual. I am not promising you that every Gypsy is a genius, but I will stand behind a claim that they appreciate intelligence. Provide for her, spend time with her and entertain her.

These are the bare essentials of how to treat your Gypsy. All three suggestions would seemingly be decent ways to treat a Richmond girl ... or for that matter any woman with which you are having any kind of relationship, but there is response to stimulus.

To be short, your Gypsy will respond well to this kind of treatment. A Richmond girl might just think you're a "creeper."

I don't think I've met my own goal of detailing how to treat your Gypsy. Having re-read the article, it seems more like an insufficient introduction into at least perceiving a Gypsy woman on this campus and a poorly hidden critique of the Richmond girl.

If this is also how you feel about the article, then read into the text for the leftover meaning of this article and re-read the opening quotations for a lesson on how to treat your Gypsy.