The most popular question in America

I remember back to the early 1990s (yes, I do - I was 4 years old and my memory was fully developed) when the inquiry as to "What's up?" stood as delicately as a tightrope walker upon the line between familiar and frequent integration into casual conversation.

That it has since become the most regularly posed question among Americans between the ages of 10 and 25 can mean only one thing: The question is yet unanswered.

This implication is backed by quite a sufficient amount of empirical evidence. The exhaustive list of answers in current circulation is as follows:

(1)"Nothing" and (2) "Not too much."

Granted, it's a tough question. Especially now, when everything seems to be down - the economy, governmental control, environmental quality, our cumulative weekly sleep hours, our mood as finals approach and so on.

Nonetheless, that short list of two items is simply unacceptable. Neither answer is accurate, or even honest. Not only are things, in fact, up; there is, in fact, way too much up.

I have composed a list restricted to only 10 answers (of infinite possibilities), from which any responder may freely choose. It's time we actually tell people what's up.

What's up?

1. The annual nationwide acceptance rate of female college applicants. (Rosie the Riveter: an inspiration and a prophet.)

2. The national rate of infertility. (Hi, Rosie? Your statement, please.)

3. The rate of Adderall dependency among college-aged Americans, often referred to as "the number of Americans affected by ADD." (The plague ain't got nothing on this epidemic.)

4. The importance of learning Chinese before fluency is internationally mandated. (If you don't believe me, visit Forever 21 in Regency Mall.)

5. The likelihood of a second revolutionary war, whereby we replace our current government with a national dictator. (We, as Americans, will ensure that our dictator is elected into the position and also that it is Lady Gaga.)

6. The total accumulation of revenue resulting directly from the capitalization of our national tendencies toward both necrophilia and beastiality. (Twilight is just the beginning ... just wait until the porn industry gets involved.)

7. The number of items included in "An Original List of Unspeakably Immoral, Phenomenally Inhumane Ideas," by Philip Morris.

8. Barbie's time in the spotlight. (Sorry, Ms. Doll - in the words of Heidi Klum, you are out.)

9. The percentage of the American population claiming allergies to Tylenol, Motrin and Ibuprofen. (Those poor, unfortunate souls - they have no choice but to take drugs like Oxycontin or Vicodin, for even the most minor injuries! That must be so hard.)

10. Tiger Woods' ... "club." (Every shot's a hole-in-one with that kind of swing.)

Contact Fiona Carmody at fiona.carmody@richmond.edu