My take on: marijuana

One very hot topic in current American discourse is the national legalization of marijuana. The fact that I find the argument about this issue absolutely absurd is a rather recurrent viewpoint among members of America's youth, but my reasoning may not be so nationally shared.

Picture the following scenarios under the pretense that the federal government has officially legalized marijuana.

1. You lend your best friend your car - we'll call the friend "Jordan." You have a doctor's appointment at 4 p.m., but that is a full two hours away and your friend claims to need less than a full hour with the vehicle, "just to pick up some movies at Blockbuster."

But 95 minutes after departure time, Jordan remains MIA. You call Jordan's cell phone repeatedly with no success. Panic sets in as 4 p.m. hits, because at this point you will definitely still be paying the co-pay without having an actual appointment, and you'll have to wait another three to six months to get another visit booked.

In rolls Jordan. The following conversation ensues:

Jordan: Hey, hey!! Got some pretty sweet movies, thanks for the car.

You: Yeah, but I needed it back before 4 p.m. to get to my appointment on time. I told you that.

Jordan (Dazed confusion, gazing without blinking as though such a practice accelerates thought processes): Wait, but you said 4 p.m. I thought?

You (Getting pissed): No, I said before 4 p.m. Which is why I just said, "I said before 4 p.m."

Jordan: OK, calm down. (Giggles uncontrollably for approximately 15 seconds) Do you want one of my funny cigarettes to calm your nerves?

You: No, I want you to pay my co-pay and buy me gas.

Jordan: Ha, ha ... I don't have money after these babies (indicates cigarettes).

You: Seriously, Jordan?

Jordan: Wait. ... What? What were we talking about?

2. You visit your teacher during office hours - we'll call the teacher "Professor." You are really stressed out about a test grade you got, which you thought was unfairly low (every member of the student population just had an "aha" moment). Your teacher is smoking one of those newly legal cigarettes. The following conversation ensues:

You: Professor, I was hoping we could discuss this grade ... I'm surprised at how badly I scored on this exam.

Professor: Yeah, well, it's just an exam after all. Just, you know ... numbers, you know? Not life.

You: Right ... but I wasted my life studying for it so I'd like to feel the slightest bit successful, if possible.

Professor: Not possible. Success is just a mind game, nothing tangible.

You: But you give grades. And I knew my stuff, I thought.

Professor: Oh, I barely look at those tests. I grade life lessons, you know? Life lessons.

You: You didn't even look at them? Did you ... smoke those cigarettes during the grading process? Because those can kind of um ... change your mind about the value of certain things, and consistency is important in the classroom because well ... GPAs are important for, well, our lives.

Professor: You need to stop stressing out, kick back and enjoy life. Excuse me. I must visit the vending machine.

Please note every feeling you had while reading those dialogues, down to the almost imperceptible.

You may be a die-hard advocate for the legalization of this drug, but before you charge into the White House with a doobie hat on, please consider the lessons of the above, even if you feel they have been "exaggerated" (which, I might add, we will agree to disagree on):

1. People high on marijuana are unreliable, because of an impaired ability to track time and remember details (for example, things they agreed to do or were supposed to do).

2. People high on marijuana laugh incessantly. Not everyone, OK - but many. When you are pre-pissed, whatever they are laughing about is definitely not funny. Especially if it's you.

3. People high on marijuana would challenge Buddha's degree of calmness. The fact that they view themselves as the very essence of placidity is expressed in command-form toward others: "Be cool," "Chill" and, my personal favorite, "Why do you care?" The fact that their world is temporarily put on hold leads them to wonder why everyone else's is in motion - often, it's because of the No. 1 fact that the motion gets crazy in the first place.

4. People who regularly purchase marijuana never have money. Not because they actually don't have money, but because their current funds uphold a singular purpose at all times.

5. People high on marijuana are unmanageably stupid. They lose track of conversation topics, ramble on and on in the wrong direction and always (without fail) completely miss important bits of information.

6. People high on marijuana think of themselves as quite scholarly. This both accentuates fact No. 5 and leads to conflict about it.

7. People high on marijuana put their own needs first. These simpler needs are actually the only ones of which they can keep track, rendering those of which they cannot seem "silly" or "unnecessary" - these are "epiphanies" about needs, and life in general (see fact No. 6).

The list goes on, but I'll stop there. We already complain about how much social distance technology creates between us - do we need to be high, too? Red-eyed, slow-moving, seemingly incompetent people locked into fits of giggles or trances for moments of indefinite length is not a vision we should invite, but fight!

Didn't we heed any of the warnings of the "Living Dead"? We cannot arbitrarily move that series from "Horror" to "Documentaries" - Jordan would simply never find it.