Nobel Prize Committee awards efforts to write an opinion piece

Two weeks ago (unless you're reading this in THE FUTURE), President Barack Obama was granted the Nobel Peace Prize for "efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples."

This is the political equivalent of a parent sighing, "Well, at least he's trying," whenever their "special" child fails another test.

Now, usually I try not to get very political because politics are hilarious and they quickly go out of date, but what gets written once on the Internet stays there FOREVER (which is why I can never be president myself). Today, however, I have to make an exception.

If the Nobel Committee is giving out prizes for "efforts" to make world peace, then, damn it, I deserve a LOT more credit for all the crap I've been doing:

"Efforts to finish my German homework."

"Efforts to clean my room."

"Efforts to make a Web site."

"Efforts to write an opinion piece."

"Efforts to be funny."

"Efforts to be a productive member of society."

And if that's the case then we have Oscar night all wrong! We need to be giving Michael Bay an Oscar for "efforts to make a decent film." We need to be giving Ben Affleck an Oscar for "efforts to be an OK actor," or one to Christian Bale for "efforts to make Batman sound cool."

And why stop at novelty awards? We pretty much already elect our politicians based on "efforts to pander shamelessly to special interests," so we might as well go ahead and start hiring CEOs for "efforts to make money." We can hire doctors who make solid "efforts to save lives."

Of course, I'm being a bit harsh on the Nobel Prize Committee, which, as we all know, has been giving out awards for "efforts to do science" for years. The members are selected based on their "efforts to make world-shaping decisions wisely."

Now I'm going to make an effort to finish this rant succinctly, and just say I don't care who you are, if you support Obama or if you hate his policy, everyone across America, as of now, can be celebrated for our "efforts not to laugh at the crazy Norwegians working for the Nobel Prize Committee."

For more crazy stories like these, go to whatthefracknow.com