GLBTQ panel discusses issues, answers questions

For most children, a trip to Jamaica is a vacation, but for freshman Kadeem Fyffe, it was a threat.

Fyffe is a first-generation American whose parents are from Jamaica, and he said they had had little to no exposure to homosexuality until they came to the United States. But when Fyffe was 13, he came out to his mother, and she contemplated sending him to Jamaica.

"If I had gone to Jamaica, honestly I wouldn't be alive," Fyffe said. "The only thing that exists in Jamaica is straight people ... so she was like, 'I can send you there and then you'll definitely change.'"

Fyffe was one of seven panelists from the GLBTQ — Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer/Questioning — community who participated in an hour-and-a-half-long discussion called "Q&A: Queer and Answers" on Monday night in the Whitehurst Living Room. Sophomore Jon Henry, the president of the Student Alliance for Sexual Diversity (SASD), said he hoped to have one Q&A panel per month during the rest of the school year.

The panelists discussed the stress of coming out to their parents - Fyffe's mother didn't buy him anything for his birthday and has never told him she loves him since he came out. Freshman Jamaica Akande, who has some Jamaican ancestry as well, said her parents would not have sent her there, but they had thought about sending her to England, where her mother is from.

"I remember praying to God that the next morning I could wake up and be straight, just so I could make my parents feel better," Akande said. "I went from being this straight-A good kid, this really cute-looking kid who does everything right, to being the kid, minus 10 points because she's gay. ... Parents are dealing with the death of what they expected for the lifetime of their child."

Sophomore Jo Gehlbach said her mother had had a hard time accepting her when she first came out, but had gradually come to terms with it. But for some, the prospect of telling parents is still too difficult. Senior Matt Mello and sophomore Michael Weigle said they hadn't spoken to either of their parents about their orientation.

"I assume my mom knew, but she passed away last year so I never got the chance to ask her," Weigle said. "It was one of the things I always regretted."

Freshman Carmen Wicker has come out to her father, and said had been supportive, but is waiting to tell her mother because she has been sick since the beginning of this year. Henry, who had set a goal for himself of coming out before the end of college, told his parents during the summer.

"I had worked this summer to become financially independent," Henry said. "I came out to them and three days later I moved to Jordan for the rest of the summer and let them deal with it on their own."

Although the panelists had feared their parents' reactions, many of them deal with bigotry from other sources. Mello, who is on the University of Richmond track team, has encountered homophobia from fellow athletes since middle school.

His high school football team hazed him and his brothers, which prompted Mello — the one panelist who identified himself as a bisexual — to break up with his boyfriend. There was even a point when Mello considered suicide.

"I think the best way to describe it is a complete lack of fear," he said. "You don't care. ... It feels almost like you're dead already, so why not just complete the act?"

Mello and other panelists stressed the importance of organizations such as the SASD as a resource for members of the GLBTQ community.

"The one aspect of people being in the closet that bothers me so much is that people who are closeted are feeling alone," Mello said. "Because they're closeted, people like us don't know how to reach out. ...Creating a safe environment is what matters."

One reason Gehlbach quit the track team last year was that she felt alone, not having realized her teammate Mello was bisexual. In addition, some of her teammates had made homophobic comments about her.

"I've always thought that I could handle the homophobia," she said. "When you're a college freshman and you're alone like that ... I guess my need to be comfortable was greater than my need to perform in sports."

Mello said he had learned to ignore other people's comments as much as possible. Fyffe employed a similar strategy on his high school track team - his coach and some of his teammates had had a problem with his homosexuality, but he said that he had never felt left out.

"I've always been a very in-your-face person," Fyffe said. "I think those are the type of people who are generally out because those are the people who can deal with the stress that comes with being out."

People usually don't bother Henry because he's 6-foot-4, he said, and he avoids confrontation when possible because he doesn't like violence. But sometimes Richmond students threaten him at apartment parties and he said he had to either deal with it himself or call a friend to help him.

"[Last year] a very close friend of mine at the time was very drunk and belligerent and he did assault me on campus," Henry said. "He tossed me around my dorm room, threw me over a couple dressers, threw me on the bed, you know, tossed me around."

Henry said he wasn't positive about what had motivated the assault, but thought it was related to his being a member of the GLBTQ community. Although incidents like these can keep people in the closet, most panelists agreed that it was better for members of the GLBTQ community, particularly activists and people with political power, to be out.

Junior Kevin Grayson, the president of UR Men for Change and a wide receiver on the football team, asked the panelists how other people had responded to their relationships. Wicker, Weigle and Fyffe said their relationships had not been very public. Gehlbach said it was a mistake to put a relationship on Facebook, a lesson she learned from an ex-girlfriend.

"Her little brother found out," Gehlbach said. "It didn't really end well. Her parents are Northern, backwoods, Republican hicks. They freaked out. Her brother was getting married in two weeks. They told her she couldn't come to the wedding and basically said that you are out of the house."

Henry, on the other hand, said he was a big fan of public displays of affection (PDA) and thought it should be everywhere. Akande said she had become more supportive of public displays of affection as she got older, especially after a mother and father asked her and her girlfriend not to hold hands in front of their three children.

"I'm not asking anyone to have sex in public," Akande said. "All that I'm saying is, if we don't show that we're here, if we don't establish a presence in the community - whether it be politically or socially, through holding hands and showing people that we have relationships, we're not just sexual beings - then how are people going to know? ... Maybe none of us should engage in PDA but you shouldn't make it unequal for others."

Contact staff writer Barrett Neale at barrett.neale@richmond.edu