Straight Out of Compton (Vol. 5)

Spring break is approaching more quickly than I think I can handle, given that before flying back to St. Louis next Friday I have to write three German essays, an English paper and a Core paper (although I have to say Chikothello is clearly a fabulous topic). Needless to say, I've been busy, but what gets the brain going more than a gargantuan latte is a little mind-cleansing perusing of Facebook.

You might wonder how it's possible to wile away hours online, but read on for my top tips for navigating the infinite abyss that is Facebook. And just remember, it's not creepy until you get caught viewing the following on a computer in the library. Bonus points if you get caught by the person whose profile you're viewing (triple points if you don't actually know him or her).

1. The "25 Things" notes may be "so lame" and you "can't believe [I, they, you] caved," but they really are quite interesting. Were you aware that your friend accidentally killed his ferret when he was 13? Did you know that girl down the hall didn't wear shower shoes in the bathroom? These are valuable tidbits of knowledge, people. Start reading. I personally think Richmond Spidey should write one. Maybe he would explain what happened to his other four legs.

2. Everyone sees the newest status updates on the News Feed, but do you take the time to read the tagline under your friends' profile pictures? Facebook prompts you to "Write something about yourself" if it's empty. From those that do fill in the box with a personal mantra, some great words of wisdom can be found. For instance, "I need the life version of icyhot" (genius, not to mention it's a TV show reference. Double whammy). Of course, to some it's considered "AWKWARD FACEBOOK SPACE," but come on, there is so much potential in that little box -- maybe it's an inside joke, but don't you wonder just what "I want to slather you in butter and microwave you for seven seconds" is all about?

3. Mutual friends are phenomenal at this school. Ever feel awkward in the hallway at an apartment party? Don't. You're probably standing next to a distant relative. Honestly, you'll find that your roommate's boyfriend went to boarding school with your stepbrother. Maybe you secretly know that the girl who sat next to you in Library 101 dated your best friend from home's roommate at James Madison University. Facebook told you so. In the spirit of six degrees, this gives you license to make deep philosophical observations about human connectivity.

4. Ever wonder who reinvented themselves at Richmond? No judgment, just curiosity. Click on tagged photos, but start at the last page. Take note of the velour skorts (and reminisce on the convenience of shorts sewn into your skirt) and bad haircuts. Realize that everyone experienced the same monumentally awkward episodes in life as you did. Even that senior in your Spanish class wore zip-off cargo pants in ninth grade.

Congratulations, you're officially a Facebook connoisseur. Now you may forget to study for your midterms, but really, Facebook is teaching you life lessons, right? Peruse your heart out.

Contact columnist Susie Compton at susie.compton@richmond.edu