A few thoughts for Valentine's Day

In my senior year, I've noticed that some people in my class are starting new relationships during their final year of college. In a career-focused environment such as the University of Richmond, they have significantly constrained themselves. Why would they do such a thing?

Maybe people are getting tired of random hookups and realize no one individual or society at large could function based on how we act in college. Maybe they have not thought about it, but act in response to their feelings. Regardless, they understand that relationships are very important.

I think there are two ways to categorize these motivations. One is based on security, the other on true love.

The first option -- security -- is the most common explanation, and all of its forms have one commonality: unhealthy expectation. In the basest form, relationships ensure consistent intimacy with someone qualified enough for one to rationalize the extra obligations. In the best form, people care for the other person, but each must fulfill the expectations of the other for the relationship to continue.

When security is the focus, relationships turn into a contract: "good" or "bad." In either case, a relationship will never reach its potential because each person grades the other based on fulfillment of individual expectation. And when we live our relationships alone in our heads, we place trust in our mind instead of our partner. We limit our ability to learn from each other and to curiously respond to change.

We do this because we want to avoid uncertainty at all costs. We approach every situation with a desired outcome in mind. Once we are "committed," if our choice fails to satisfy the preconceived objective, we bail. This impulse repeated over time prevents anything from being satisfactory, and we perpetually jump to the next thing.

As Keats says in "Ode on a Grecian Urn," we rush toward "sweet melodies," instead of seeking relationships that challenge us. We prefer situations in which we are able to dictate what we get. Unfortunately, our fixation with getting everything we want often leads to the failure we are trying to avoid.

The second option -- true love -- is quite rare. It's only possible with a profound amount of security in oneself that's independent of what anyone else thinks. We would no longer make calculations in order to achieve a desired outcome. We would act out of respect for that person, without regard to what they can do for us. Only without expectation and with true love will we open our hearts enough to fully understand another person.

Think about your relationships. How different would they be if you were to choose the second option? The results might be scary, because the truth behind your notions of beauty would be revealed. Yes, this option might cut your source of security away, but it might also uncover true love.

This Valentine's Day, I present to you a question of courage: Do you want to live the good life or the OK one?

Contact columnist Michael Kolbe at michael.kolbe@richmond.edu