University of Richmond Collegian > Opinion > Student argues that hook-up culture is hurtful and demeaning

Student argues that hook-up culture is hurtful and demeaning

Published: February 20, 2013, 9:52 pm ET
By Brendan Rhatican
Contributor

No one needs another hook-up culture reminder. I do not intend to stir up a culture war or to pass judgment on anyone. However, I do hope that I can give a reasonable argument, in 400 words or less, on how casual hook-ups are unhealthy for every party involved.

In asking many friends about why they engage in this behavior, I encounter pretty regular responses: It is just for fun; she wanted it, too; I’m free to do what I want, etc. But none of these responses really answer the question. Why do you hook-up with someone that, at a minimum, you aren’t even interested in having a relationship with? Here, the answer is pretty uniform, “I like it.”

Usually, because of the culture of relativism, I am branded for proselytizing. Someone will send me a nasty email, maybe comment on The Collegian’s website, and then go on with his or her day. However, the point is very simple and non-confrontational: When you separate physical relations from personal relations, you are using a person as a means to your end.

When casual hook-ups take place, the man has no interest in the woman as more than her body. Instead, he has an interest in what she does for him — namely, pleasure. When I ask my friends about this, they uniformly reply, “Yeah, but it is totally consensual, and she is doing the same thing to me.” But I cannot understand how two people mutually and consensually using each other excuses the fact that they are using each other.

You may be told that independent women empower themselves when they express their freedom this way. You may be acting without constraint, but using a man for this end is still making him into an object for your satisfaction. My argument should not even be challenging or far-reaching: Using someone for pleasure is demeaning.

I’m not saying that good ends do not come out of bad means, but that is hardly a reason to do anything. I’m not saying that sexual attraction is wrong, but the expression of it should be controlled.

It does not matter whether this concept is traditional or archaic, for this classification does nothing concerning the merit of the argument. There are few things more selfish and dishonorable than when a man sleeps with a woman not because of who the woman is, but because of the pleasure he can get out of her.

The bar has not been set very high here. Men and women: stop using each other, even in the name of fun.

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  • SeenTheLight

    Sometimes I go to the park and ask strangers to play basketball with me. I see now that I’ve just been using these strangers for my own exercise benefits and selfishness. It wasn’t about who the individuals were on the inside, but about the pleasure they could give me during the game through the recreational challenge. I know now that those strangers had no respect for me even though we both wanted to play basketball. I now see the error of my ways and will only play basketball with those who I am in a committed relationship with.

  • Rev. Al Greenish IV

    Rhatican, you are spot in saying that using someone, with complete disregard for their value as a person, is wrong. Glad to have you fighting the good fight man. But be aware that that’s not how all of this hooking up goes down. What you have mistaken for a brutish, hormone-driven act is often times a short-lived connection with another individual that allows us to expand our understanding of the self, and how we relate to the opposite sex in a broader sense. Call this desire for knowledge of the self, well…selfish if you will, but both women and men need it, while we are in college more than ever. Also, some people hook up to make other people feel good about themselves as well!

    The message here is that some love only lasts one night, and sometimes that one night can teach you more about humanity and interpersonal communication than years in a more traditional relationship. It’s just another way to live, and I suggest that you try it. Hell, take this few weeks of papal absence as a get-out-of-jail-free card and get yourself enlightened!

  • Sarah Maher

    It is really great to see someone shine the light on the truth of the hook-up culture and how we do nothing but harm each other when we engage in it! Thanks for telling it like it is!

  • EMBuckles

    I once heard of a Richmond College student telling a joke in which he asked, “What is the difference between a Westhampton woman and a urinal? Answer – the urinal doesn’t keep following you around after you have used it.” The coldness of that bothered me. I have known of so many people, both male and female, who decided to have “one night stands”, fell in love and then got “burned” when the other person “dumped” them. Occasionally suicides and murders have resulted. I’ve also known of people who engaged in one night stands and ended up with sexually transmitted diseases which cannot be cured. By the way, there is reportedly a new strain of gonorrhea going around which is highly resistant to antibiotics and could land you in the hospital fighting for your life and, of course, HIV, Herpes and a number of other STDs(not referring to Sacred Theological Doctorates ;>) can be contracted. IF you just MUST engage in “hook ups”, I’d strongly suggest caution and trying to find out if the other person has any sort of diseases(um, not to mention mental health issues). I’ve been aware of many people who will have sex with others without any concerns about catching or transmitting diseases. Then, at some point, they, and their former partner, end up in the physician’s office having the cureable STDs treated or learning how they are going to have to cope with the incureable ones. Just sayin’, you’d better be a LOT more careful about your hook ups so you don’t end up with “unintended consequences”. On the other hand, as they used to say, “the school of experience has high tuition but a fool will not learn in any other.” Word to the wise. ;>

  • AnotherWCstudent

    As a woman and more importantly a human being, I very well can expect a man to respect me after hooking up. After all, they “gave it up” to me as well, yet it would be completely inappropriate for me to treat them poorly later because of it. Respect for another human being is not something you have “earn” though being chaste, adhering to some societal norm, or demanding it, it is something that should be given by everyone to everyone. If men (or anyone) on this campus are being disrespectful and “walking all over” women (or anyone), then we SHOULD be blaming them. I agree with you that if you sleep with someone casually, you shouldn’t suddenly expect to change the nature of that relationship after (regardless of the gender of those involved), but rhetoric that places all of the responsibility on one gender is not acceptable.