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Ask André: a romantic advice column

Published: January 30, 2013, 11:35 pm ET
Mysterious Advice Columnist

Q I love my girlfriend a lot. I really do. But lately she’s been hanging out with a new group that seems to have inspired in her an “all natural” phase, where she’s decided that deodorant and strong soaps are simply out of the question. I’m hesitant to say anything, but honestly… I almost can’t take it anymore. She reeks. Sometimes I even have to lean away while we’re talking. Help!

A This is a very interesting situation, because my first instinct when I read this plea does not necessarily bode well for you.

In my effort to uncover the inner workings of the female mind, I have put myself in very precarious situations that have brought me close to public humiliation. One of the most essential things that I have noticed about the female is that they love to show, rather than tell, about a grievance they have with their partner. And this, I promise you, is not something you want to test, or question.

This leads me to one possibility about your peculiar predicament: She is playing a game with you. The reason she is starting to act this way is because she in fact finds a problem with your personal hygiene. In a sick and twisted attempt to alter your personal habits, she is becoming undesirable to emulate your behavior, so that she can best show you her problem.

I know this is hard to believe, but think about the facts that you have given to me. She immediately started this “all natural” phase when she met these new friends, who are willing to listen to her problems. You have undoubtedly been the focus of many conversations with these friends, and together they have concocted the most insidious plan to alter your ways. If you truly love your girlfriend then my advice to you is to take a shower, put on some clean clothes and brush your teeth.

But wait! There is still hope of an alternative. However, this interpretation of your scenario could be tricky, but bear with me. She is indeed happy with her new group of friends and her new lifestyle — that we can agree on. But unfortunately this does not make you happy. Solution! Tell her that her au-naturale mentality is hindering your desire to be intimate, which is impeding your growth as a couple. Then, pray to the heavens that a lightening bolt does not strike you down.

My advice to you is simple: Stand up to this woman. If she still won’t shower, it’s time to think about moving on. Or just invest in a gas mask.

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  • Nn

    That was just awful advice